Beauty from Ashes- coming to grips with PTSD

I haven't felt I have had anything to say for a long time. I am sad to say I have allowed my voice to be silenced. That is going to change today. Here is another part of my story, the little I choose to share of it.

I have struggled with progressive weakness, dizziness, fatigue, and pain for much of my life, being diagnosed with Fibromyalgia, bulging discs in my back and neck, and chronic fatigue, still all the while stumping doctors as to the severity of the issues. Then during the summer of 2014, my body took a turn that left me in a wheelchair for several months, and eventually I was rotating from a wheelchair to a walker and as the months progressed, I added a cane. Several tests were done with no results. So many people asked what had happened. I was asked so often how I injured myself.  I posted on social media about it quite often, keeping people updated, laughing about my triumphs and crying over my falls, sharing the set backs and then the victories, letting others share in the journey of frustration, heartache and discovery with me.

I made a commitment I would never let my physical impairment keep me from getting to the pulpit at church and bearing my testimony of the truths I held dear. I was determined I would never stay inside when I could be outside. I decided I would love, and serve, and smile just like before. But then I went silent; I withdrew into a world of shame.

It was the fall of 2016, it had been over a year since my last round of tests and I was ready for more. As I talked to my doctor, giving more history, he told me no more testing was necessary. He confirmed what my therapist, ecclesiastical leader and a few dear friends had suspected for some time. I have PTSD. It is an understatement to say that I was mortified! I argued with Dr. Christensen for quite some time, telling him how ridiculous that diagnosis was. He kindly answered my frustrated questions letting me know that PTSD is not weakness, it is real, it is very much physical, and it is actually exciting that it is not something else because PTSD can be fixed. I found no excitement in what he was saying. It sounded mental. It sounded weak. It sounded like something was wrong with me that I should be able to help, but I refused to fix it.

So many have gone through so much worse, why did I respond like this? Was my faith that shallow? Was my mind that weak? Was I that revengeful that I couldn't let go of my past?

I pitied myself for a bit, then I got mad. I got really mad. I was angry and so full of pride that I wasn't able to cover up any longer. My body was telling my story. Everywhere I went my body would tell on me, flashing my most private struggles to all the world. I was so ashamed, and I went silent.

Today I take my voice back. It's not an all-of-a-sudden change. It's been slow in coming. Just a few days ago I was asked to give a prayer at church. I almost asked if I could give it the next week because I've had another setback and I wanted to wait until I was stronger. Then I remembered my commitment to not let the embarrassment of needing support keep me from walking up to that pulpit. I said the prayer,  realizing that even after 3 1/2 years, I am still on a journey of ups and downs, physically and emotionally. It has been a long journey, an important, beautiful, and sometimes absolutely horrible journey. But today I vocalize it. I have PTSD. I do not like it, but I have it. And you know what? More and more I'm learning to not be ashamed of it. My story is my story. It is my history to learn from, to grow from, and hopefully I can assist others in their journey as so many have been there for me in mine.

It is a true person who shares the real self, the whole self, the good and the hard. That way we can be along for each others' journeys. I invite you along for mine, and I hope you will let me slowly limp along beside you as you share yours with me.

With deepest love,
Corrine Jensen Ceran

#lifeisgoodbecauseGodisgood
#beautyfromashes
#PTSD
#abuse
#healingthroughChrist