Friday, May 25, 2018

Protecting the Woman the 'Inner Child' Grew Up to Be



Protecting the Woman the 'Inner Child' Grew Up to Be

Note: This message is for everyone, as abuse and PTSD has no bounds, but I will speak from the perspective of a woman since that is the area I have worked with the most. 

"Have you found out anything new?" my dear friend asked with compassion. "Yes, they believe it's PTSD." With a smirk she said, "Oh, from your years in Vietnam!" "Of course," I replied, but was thinking, "I wish! Then this would all make sense." I took my friend's line and upon telling another friend of my recent diagnosis, I laughed that it was from my days in war. She grew serious and said, "That makes sense since your life has been war."

PTSD from war is understood and accepted.  It makes sense to people. Situations, images, smells, conversations, sounds, even words can stir up such intense emotion that the person is left suffering, sometimes where all can see, but many times on the inside, where their pain is hidden from the world. 

There are experiences in life that are so painful, so confusing, and so distressing that the mind and heart feels as though they are at war. The sights, sounds, and feelings from these experiences can put a person right back on the front line of battle where the bombs are going off, fear is everywhere, and either they have been hit or those they love are being hit, and they are helpless to stop it. 

What if it is the movie theater that causes these painful recollections? What if it's the park or the grocery store? Would you not do all in your power to shield your loved one from these places while they are working toward full recovery? Of course you would. What if it's not a place at all, but an activity? Ice skating. Looking at snakes. Or even eating something. For my son it is oatmeal. While in the orphanage, he was serverely traumatized by an experience that involved oatmeal. His experience with such a basic food still brings tears to my eyes.  I would normally think oatmeal is part of a nutritious breakfast. I think my children will be healthier, and therefore happier, for eating it. On the days I get up and make breakfast, I think they should be grateful and just eat it. But, knowing of the pain and recollection it brings for that one certain son, I will provide another option for him. Until he has worked through his oatmeal scars, they are not for me to judge and they are certainly not for me to make deeper. 

This I would do for my son. This I would do for any one of my children.  One argument people make when a person struggles with the 'inner child' (that young person we each once were) is, "Would you not do anything to protect that little girl? Would you judge her if she were your daughter? Would you be so unkind to her? No, you'd give her a [ridiculous] teddy bear and love her." Yes, yes, I would. Of course I would. We all would.

But I think it's confusing for that woman, grown up from that little girl- that inner child, that is stuck in the past for whatever reasons, to be told to love that little girl, to make amends with her because she's innocent, at the same time as telling that woman, that dear hurt woman, that she needs to put herself back in the situations that hurt her. She needs to go back to the sounds, the sights, the smells, the feels, the pain.

How is she to believe that the little girl should've been protected when those who love her most are telling her again that her feelings are wrong, her pain is unfounded, her unwillingness to forgive is too deep? How is she to come to grips with loving that little girl when her cries for help are still left unheard? Was the little girl really worth protecting? Sure she's cute, she's young, she's innocent, but is she really worth protecting? It is hard to believe this is true when that 'little girl' is still not protected, when she is still shamed, when her mind that has been trained through experience to do as she's told, is not listened to, is not trusted, is not understood.

So, what do we do? As friends and family of those who have endured childhood abuse, it is our responsibility to listen to them, to believe them, and to give them space to heal. With all my heart, I know healing can come. God is a God of miracles, and He rejoices when His children come to Him in their process of becoming whole. But it's important to remember, it is a process- sometimes long and arduous for all concerned.

If your child cannot hug you, find another way, one that builds them up and helps them feel safe, to share your love. Sometimes, in the case of some of my children, I can get a goodbye. Other times they are comfortable with actually touching my hand for a handshake. I need to be okay with that, and grateful for it. They are giving all that they feel safe to give. 

And for you spouses, can you imagine the trauma you may be inadvertently putting your wife through? It is true she may go along quite nicely for a number of years, and then, it seems out of the blue, sexual intercourse is a terrifying experience. This can come as a sudden blow to both of you. My suggestion to you is to listen to her and believe her. Learn to not take it personally, and believe that it's at least as hard for her as it for you. Give her space. Give her time. Let her know her healing is your top priority. This is going to take getting over yourself, but you can do that. This is not easy. I strongly suggest getting ecclesiastical help and perhaps professional help yourself, but above all, praying for strength and wisdom to do your part. Understanding will make all the difference. 
Imagine, for a moment, that after years of reprieve, you are the one who messes up and you are actually the trigger that brings her back to the front lines.  Imagine a woman who was emotionally abused as a child as she listens to you berate her, or more painfully, diminish her children.  You will send her right back into battle. Now imagine that she was physically abused as a child and you choose to take a swing at her, just once, in a fit of anger. That woman is on the front lines! And now, if you can, imagine she was sexually abused as a child, and in a time of selfishness, you choose to indulge in sexual activity outside of your marriage, or perhaps worse, you engage in activity with her where she feels unsafe, sexualized and betrayed. That woman is right there in full uniform with the bombs bursting all around her!!

Please understand she is not choosing the war that surrounds her. Please understand she needs understanding and help. If you are the trigger, you will need to encourage her to go elsewhere for help. It's true you love her, that you just made a mistake, and now you want to help her. You can probably see in your mind this good woman stranded on the side of the road with a flat tire. You would love to go to her aid, to be her rescuer,  but if you are the one who slashed her tire in the first place, you will need to call for back up. 

I believe that as we seek for help, full healing is available to us. As Jesus taught, "...with God all things are possible." Trust God and trust He can heal even the deepest wounds, all the while understanding that you will be needed to come along for the journey. Let your love and support be one of the helping hands that strives to defuse the gunfire that surrounds her. 

#abuse #innerchild #beautyfromashes #sexualabuse #thrivingnotjustsurviving #thriving  #momswhoknow #woman #women #preventingsexualabuse #physicalabuse #emotionalabuse #lifeisgoodbecauseGodisgood

Artwork by Caleb Ceran



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